Off Road Invasion

Church Bells

admin — Sat Jul 14, 2007 9:28 pm

Author: admin

Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 9:28 pm

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied,
'He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,
we figured out the best time to do it was
when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even...
Nothing too strenuous, simply
in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream
truck hadn't come along."

Tree Hugger

admin — Sat Jul 14, 2007 9:26 pm

Author: admin

Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 9:26 pm

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,

purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass, OR. There was a

large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view

of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground

and got lost of splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him

she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get

all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience

and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he

could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor

reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long? "

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the

Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of

Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a

recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.

Schedule for the Race

admin — Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:36 am

Author: admin

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:36 am

Saturday, October 13, 2007
Barstow, California

Friday
Tech & Contingency
Tanger Mall ~ Outlet Center Dr / 15 fwy
Friday October 12th from 5-9pm

Saturday

20 Mile Lap
8AM Drivers Meeting
9AM Group 1 Start
12PM Group 2 Start
4PM Awards

Retirement party

admin — Sat Jul 07, 2007 3:14 am

Author: admin

Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 3:14 am

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to
make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so
the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out
of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I
was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in
confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

M.O.R.E -- Freedom 250

admin — Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:27 am

Author: admin

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:27 am

July 21, 2007
Stoddard Valley, Barstow Calif

http://moreracing.net/entry.htm

The IRS

admin — Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:25 am

Author: admin

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:25 am

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.

What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.

What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.

What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.

********************

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $50.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $50.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $50.00 in taxes.

***********************

Father O'Riley answers the phone

"Hello, is this Father O'Riley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Wilkins?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

***************************

A good salesman

admin — Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:20 am

Author: admin

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:20 am

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.64"

Boss says "101,237.64? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Mercury. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

Lack of Sleep

admin — Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:17 am

Author: admin

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:17 am

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of the USA is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Alcohol Jokes

admin — Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:13 am

Author: admin

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:13 am

BEER STUDY

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year..

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year..

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon�

NOT BAD!

***********************

THE DRUNK REPLY

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man,
"Sir,you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say, can, and will be held against you."

The drunk replies,"Tits"

***********************

THE BARTENDER

This guy goes into a bar, says to the bartender, "I'll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my eye."

So the bartender, wanting to see this anyway, lays down 50 dollars. The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, "OK, I'll give you another chance, I'll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my other eye." So the bartender thinks, he can't have two glass eyes, and lays 50 more down on the bar.

The guy then takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender is upset, so the guy says, "OK, I'll bet you double or nothing you can slide a shot glass the length of the bar and I can run along side and pee in it without spilling a drop."

The bartender thinks, I have to see this...so he slides a shot glass the length of the bar and the guy misses completely and pisses all over the bar!

The bartender is so happy he won, he proceeds to jump up and down cheering. Just then, a guy at the back of the bar stands up and curses and kicks the bar stool.

As the guy is paying the bartender, the bartender asks, "Gee, wonder what's his problem?"

"Oh him? I bet him a thousand dollars I could piss all over the bar and make the bartender happy about it!"

**************************

DRUNK CAR ACCIDENT

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

******************

George and Harriet

admin — Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:53 am

Author: admin

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:53 am

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

admin — Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:47 am

Author: admin

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:47 am

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many
winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips
through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds
himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCR$WED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Cars vs Computers

admin — Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:33 am

Author: admin

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:33 am

At the most recent COMDEX computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

General Motors addressed this comment yesterday by releasing the Statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

So, here you are: a dozen reasons to be glad the automotive industry hasn't kept up with the computer industry:

1. Every time you wanted to drive on a different road, you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a common maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. Traffic jams would be known as lag, and you'd accept them as well.

5. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that came fully loaded with optional equipment, was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would do no advertising and have no dealerships

7. Every now and then, a Cray car would blow past doing about 1000 times your speed - and God help you if you were in the fast lane.

8. Buying a new set of tires would also require one to buy multiple other accessories or the car wouldn't run properly.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. The resale value would drop 75% as soon as you drove out of the showroom and would be $0.00 within two years - trade ins, forget about it!

11. For service you would have to call a toll free number and select the proper number for the repair you wish to have done. An automated voice would walk you through the step to repair the car yourself and when that didn't work refer you to the company that sold the gas for the car.

12. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light which would come on only when it was too late to fix the problem.

1983 Toyota Tercell

liltritter — Fri Jun 08, 2007 8:22 pm

Author: liltritter

Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 8:22 pm

Little bit of body damage, oxidized and rear passenger side window gone. Engine/trans/clutch good. Runs but being given away for parts only. (Last time I had the auto guy look at it it needed a tune up and was 2 pts? out of time. Car has been sitting for 2 yrs. Would love to junk it.

Free to the first person that wants to haul.

Christine
760-961-8328

Request

admin — Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:21 pm

Author: admin

Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:21 pm

Off Road Invasion would like to extend our thanks to our site sponsors and remind everyone they pay our bills. So please consider them when you are looking for service. Let them know you found them on OffRoadInvasion.com and thank them for their support.

Site Sponsor ~Photo Ahead Photograpy~ Thank You

admin — Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:15 pm

Author: admin

Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:15 pm

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They are currently running a special.

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